Livin' La Vida Lard-a

I was reading online about lard. Don't even ask about the convoluted chain of events that resulted in such a thing, but hey, want the link? I took myself to Walmart. To say I felt stigmatized by the purchase would be an understatement: I hid that blue box beneath a box of Depends, my prescription butt acne medication, and my least recent divorce papers.

Then I brought it home and hid it in the basement for a few weeks.
But I decided today was "lard day." I have a hankering for pie anyway.

I'll give you the pie crust recipe in a minute. Here's the straight dope on lard: The article was very clear that lard doesn't taste like pork, but what they failed so mention was that it sure SMELLS like pork. That's pretty much a nightmare for the home cook, because who wants people thinking you've spent your morning frying bacon when really you've just pulled an apple pie out of the oven? Nevertheless, I soldiered on and made my porky pie crust. I cooked some of the little leftover bits sprinkled with cinnamon sugar, and my full report is:
THAT WAS THE LIGHTEST AND FLAKIEST PIE CRUST I HAVE EVER EATEN IN MY WHOLE LIFE.
AND IT DID NOT TASTE LIKE BACON.

Lard, we will meet again. I have just enough left over for a round of Angel Biscuits.

Every Time Pie Crust (from Janet)

3 cups flour (here's how you will measure it: Stir your flour. Lightly spoon into measuring cup. Level without packing or tapping.)
1 1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking powder
2 tsp sugar
1 1/4 cup shortening (Or lard...I think next time I will do half and half.)
1 egg, slightly beaten
4-5 T water (4 if you use a large egg, 5 if you use a small egg)
1 T white vinegar

Mix together dry ingredients. Cut in shortening with a pastry blender until the size of small peas. In a small bowl, whisk together wet ingredients. Add egg mixture to flour mixture and mix lightly with fork. Be gentle with your pie crust- don't overmix, but don't be afraid to stick your hands in there to combine it all together. I find that if I let the dough rest for about 15 or 30 minutes at this point, it becomes very easy to roll out and work with. Roll out on a floured board. Yield: 2 thick crusts or 3 thin ones.

When you roll out pie dough, be gentle. Don't press super hard- be light and take your time getting it to the size you want. (Gentlemen: This applies to the ladies as well.) (Sorry about that, I just couldn't help myself.) Then, roll your dough around the rolling pin and unroll it over your pie dish. Or, you might try folding it into quarters, and then unfolding in the pie dish. Whatever your tactic, don't just "Pick it up and pray" because that always ends bad. Then use scissors to trim around the edges: give yourself about a 3/4 inch overhang.

Here is an easy way to get a pretty edge. You can choose from a clear picture that doesn't necessarily show what's going on, or a blurry picture that's a slightly better representation.

I'm not Pioneer Woman. Kate was mad I dragged her away from a playdate to be my photographer so I guess it shows.

Obviously, this is a single crust pie. For prebaked crusts, 20 minutes at 350 should do it.
For double crust pies, seal the edges together with a little milk between them (just rub in on with your finger and lightly press the crusts together), then finish the edges the same way. Cook according to that specific recipe's directions.

A Few Pointers on Pre-baked Crusts:
A: Do not stretch the crust to fit your pie dish. It will shrink back, and that's a promise. Roll it out the the right size and then nestle it into the dish.
B: Before baking, either pierce the crust all over with a fork or use pie weights. I'll be honest, every time I take the fork-piercing route versus the weights route, I'm a little disappointed in the result. That said, I suggest a sheet of parchment over your raw crust gently filled with rice or beans (not refried, folks, dry ones. If you use rice, you can't cook it to eat later, so save it to be your "pie weight" rice.)